I would love to feel this kind of love, but I also feel so blocked from it.
A lot of my emotional wreckage stemmed from past experiences in my life, and to a certain extent, I thought there was only so much that I could do. I thought that since I couldn’t physically change my circumstances, there were certain thoughts I just had to live with. But now I don’t think that’s totally true. Yes, my experiences happened, but I don’t have to allow the influences of those experiences to control the way I think about myself.
I realize that there were a lot of things that I subconsciously thought about myself without realizing it, and these were key things that’s probably been holding me back from receiving healing at it’s fullest.
I want to bring Nameless up as an example of this, (especially now that I’m in the process of dramatizing this story with him on YouTube), because I’ve come to the realization of what’s been holding me back the most from experiencing this love with God.
Nameless said that he wanted to marry me, but when we broke up, it was like everything he said was revoked, and it all meant nothing to him. On top of that, seeing him some years later acting like a playboy, and treating me like a sex toy…well that stung.
So there’s that.
And I think this actually has had an affect on me being able to really receive love from God. Not because I looked at God the way I looked at Nameless, but because of how I looked at myself. For so long, I looked at how Nameless took back his promise, and if there was something I could’ve done to change it, if I’m worth making a promise too, or if I’m good enough to love, etc. But being so focused on him, and my failures only held me back from really grasping the love of God.
However, as painful as it is to live with an experience like that, I still have the power to reframe my thinking. First let’s start with the fact that Nameless is human. Humans get lost. Humans get misguided, and humans lose sight of themselves. As a result of this, sometimes humans make mistakes, and sometimes humans break promises that they genuinely meant to keep.
Nameless is human.
But then there’s God…
God is the source of Love. And Love does not give up, Love does not revoke promises, Love is faithful, and Love does not and will not ever turn away from me.
God is Love. And this Love wants me.
Humans are imperfectly human, but God is a perfect God. If all else fails, I will always have that Love behind me to fall back on, and that’s all that matters.
Therefore, every time I encounter those thoughts of Nameless, I can remember to replace those thoughts with these truths:
God does not revoke promises.
God does not give up on the love that he gives.
God will never turn his back on me.
God will always choose to pursue me.
So, when I find myself going down this usual spiral of pain and regret, and unworthiness, I can use this as a mantra to help guide my thoughts back into the source of true Love. This is definitely going to take some practice to do…and to also fully believe in. But if I keep replacing those hindering thoughts of Nameless, with the truth of God; then I’ll be one step closer to creating a new pathway in my mind to make seeking intimate love with God my first instinct.
