I don't know about you but that's me. I keep thinking that I'm good with nameless, but then something can trigger a memory, sometimes nothing will trigger it and here I am talking myself through it as if we (myself and I) didn't have this conversation before.
It also doesn't help that's it's been 5 months since we last spoke. Talk about triggers. How am I ever going to stop remembering if he keeps popping up; it's like the memories just keep piling up.
I think there's a root to the triggers though. If something is being triggered, a memory or a thought, I think it's probably because there is something in me that's unsettled. Of course it's hard to feel "settled" with anything that happened over the last 5 years between me and nameless. Everything about what happened is unsettling. I never really got proper closure, or found peace with it, and that's partly because I was waiting on him to give that to me; but he wasn't (and still isn't) willing to communicate. He would rather brush everything under the rug and smooth over it, even though that's not how you even begin to start over.
In order to start over, you have to heal from the past and in order to heal from the past you have to go through it. And not go through it to just sulk in it, but go through it so you can learn from it, gain a different perspective, do things differently, and do them better moving forward. A simple, "how can we move forward from this?" would suffice. Or even a conversation of what was going through his head just so I can understand, you know?
But no. I have to find closure all on my own, and in the meantime, deal with triggers of memories that lead to questions I don't have the answer to.
But I guess I don't have to find closure completely on my own. I could rely on Divine love to see me through.
This all comes down to the fact that I can't rely on another person to give me peace that only God can give me. I mean come on, how can a guy give you peace and heal your brokenness if he's broken himself?
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this when a memory pops up and I'm itching for an explanation. I can't rely on a broken soul for love and consolation. However, I can rely on the one who created souls, to fill the cracks of my soul with the love I truly need.
Until Next Time.
