The "R" Words

The two things that can really feed my insecurity are the feeling of being rejected and being replaced by someone I love.

I've been there, and sometimes I'm afraid it might happen to me again. This fear manifests in my dreams, it haunts my mind, and it basically eats me alive...if I let it.

So, who am I afraid of rejecting me? Why am I worrying whether I'm good enough for this person or if they'll just walk away like before?

Why do my dreams write narratives in my head telling me that this person will just find someone else to canoodle with? That I'll be left in the dust and get the end of the stick like before?

Well, because it's happened before with the same person who recently found the audacity to re-enter my life without reconciling things from the past; nameless.

Although I did open the door to let him in, in doing that, the pain and rejection I felt with him before resurfaced; because, again, nothing was really truly reconciled between us. He just left me hanging, and then came back, left me hanging again, and then came back as if nothing happened, etc. So honestly can you blame me for being a little leery? It's messing with my heart, and making me paranoid.

Anyway,  this isn't about nameless...well...while nameless could definitely work on his communication skills, I'm not here to focus on what he's not doing.

I want to focus on the feeling of being rejected and/or being replaced, and the fear that comes with that. I'm honestly still working on not allowing my security to be rooted in the decisions that nameless makes. I need to keep telling myself that 1) I can't control what he does and 2) my security is not found in him...even though at one point it was.

So let me be candid about these dreams before I go on; they were basically about nameless choosing other women over me. They all either ended with me losing him to someone else or him just giving me the cold shoulder and not wanting to be my friend. You can easily tell what that reflects right? Rejection and replacement. While I think these dreams had a lot to do with things from the past not being reconciled, I also think they had something to do with the security I have in myself. Even if these dreams did reflect something true about nameless, the decisions he makes and who he makes it with has nothing to do with who I am as a person. Frankly, it has everything to do with him and his issues. I can't allow whatever he decides to do to have an effect on the way I view myself. Whether he wants me in the picture or not, my security is not found in him.

So, that is why I'm learning to turn my attention away from nameless and these scenarios in my head about him, and towards The One who created me. Security in myself has to start with The One I was created by because it's through that source that I won't waver or have fear that I'm losing out on something. Let's face it, do these thoughts about nameless pulling the "r" cards on me suck? Of course! I'm not denying that. But see, when my security is rooted in The One who created me, the source of true love and peace, there is no fear of losing out. Regardless of who walks out of my life, I'll always be able to tap into the true love that will never leave me or forsake me.


So when it comes to being rejected or replaced, don't blame yourself. Your value is not determined by what or who that person chose over you. Clearly you were created, so clearly someone thinks you're worth it...just look up.



Until next time.

Chasing Butterflies

So...I know there's a saying around somewhere about chasing butterflies, and I never really got it until now...when I had literally been chasing a butterfly. Before getting distracted by this beautiful creature, I had been thinking (of course) of something I just should not have led myself into thinking about; which would have led me into going back and analyzing, trying to figure out something that I wouldn't end up getting the answer to, because it ultimately isn't up to me whether I can get the answer or not. The answer will come when it comes, or it might not come at all, but guess what, that's not up to me.
And you know that can get frustrating sometimes because you might really want the answer to a particular situation sometimes but you just can't get it. Just like how I really wanted this beautiful brown butterfly that I saw laying out in the street to stay still so I could take a good picture of it. But it seemed like no matter how close I got to it, it just kept flying out of reach. Finally, I gave up and went about my way.

So, while I was beginning to analyze another situation (again), that's when I saw that beautiful brown butterfly for a second time! And it landed in the street just like before, but this time I was able to pull out my phone and get really good, close-up shots of what this butterfly looked like (and it had its wings laid out for a while too, as if it just knew it was getting some model shots).

I think me chasing that butterfly, was--is-- kind of like me chasing those answers. I'll either try to get them and not have enough knowledge to reach them or the answer will finally come and stay still enough for me to see it up close and get a better view of the situation. You follow me? Either the answer will stay flying in the air or it'll finally land and let me see it, but either way, nothing I do to try to catch it will control when the answer comes.


So why keep wasting my time chasing that butterfly with it's own mind? When it lands is not in my control and that's how I have to start looking at these answers that I just can't figure out right now.


Until next time.